Crying or laughing they all feel the same at this time. There is not much that my senses can separate. Rise above and wave goodnight, the darkness kissed my cheek as I departed. I tip my hat and say my goodbyes. Farwell…
There is a deep place that I sometimes go. I usually do not ask to be taken there, but it welcomes me with its cold arms and still air. It is not lit very well, and tends to get darker as I visit. Sometimes I feel myself reaching to leave, and the exit runs from me not wanting me to go. It has a familiar smell, and it feels like I have been coming here since I was a child. The feeling is comfort, like an old sweater that you throw on to sit on a couch and watch your favorite movie. It gets so dark that I can no longer see. The cold takes over the comfort,or is it that I realize it was never comfortable but just familiar. Loneliness envelopes the senses and where I once would reach to escape I can no longer recognize as my way out. Closing my eyes takes me deeper and the silence becomes deafening. I can feel the cold air and warm breathe create condensation with drops of water upon my face. Seeing the bad choice I made to return to this place makes it harder to leave. Realizing it wasn’t a choice to come here at all makes the exit light illuminate. Feeling the water drip more steadily now, and becoming aware that the water is my tears brings me strength to rise up. Grabbing my life and rising up to move forward to that red blinking exit sign and hearing in my head this way to happiness. My hand on the cold doorknob, I turn to look and ask if this place is so bad after all? It is mine and it is safe. I open the door to newness and the light of a new day. Rise up and do not let depression be your friend I told myself. The first step is the hardest, but it is also your first step.
Everything has a place in your life. Some are ahead of you, some are behind and there are those things that are besides you today making your life what it is daily. How do we determine what stays and what must go? Do we let what is no good fall on its own like a piece of fruit that has gone bad on a tree? Will that which has passed its time in our lives, let go and blow away like the dandelion seed? What if we just worry about nurturing that which thrives, grows and uplifts our being? What if we do not worry about what needs to be pruned, but water and speak life to what keeps us living? Cherish the great and do not worry about what does not give back to you! Live!
It is not what I see in the mirror that scares me
It is not what I see in the future that holds me back
It is not what I see in my past that haunts me
It is not what I see in the world that brings me to tears
It is not what I see in the eyes of my children that brings pain to my heart
It is not what I see when I close my eyes and sleep that brings me sadness
It is not what I see daily that makes me want to give up this life
It is not what I see around me that breaks me
It is everything I do not see
When our teenage children look at us they think we have no idea how it feels to be there age. It sounds like they think they are the first to ever have heartache, peer pressure, be a loner or not sure where they fit in. I’ll be honest, I never went to my dad for advice about life and how to deal with things I just learned as I went through them, and as you can tell I turned out perfect. Haha, but I wanted my kids to come to me with questions about life and sit and have those Folgers commercial moments. You know the ones where the coffee smell woke up the father with a smile and he came down to his kids sitting around the table with smiles to talk about life. Well at least that is what I imagined. I always tried to get my kids to talk but they never opened up and I know it is because I was not the easiest to talk to. I wanted so bad to be that super dad and I missed that mark by a few feet. I didn’t want to be my dad so bad that I never learned how not to and thought I could do it on my own. You can not change the path of life if you never learn how you got there in the first place, or ask for new direction. Children go through things and it is part of growing up, and all I ever could do was let them know that I was there. Even if they never used that hand it was always there. When I think about my children growing up I have a huge smile and a heavy heart because inside I feel I wasn’t what they wanted in a father. I know I can not go back and change what has been played out but I acknowledge what I was and hope they can come to me for advice as parents one day and I can impart into them what I know I did wrong and how they can change that for the better. It was never a lack of love, but a lack of knowledge of what a parent is. As teens we did not see what our parents were going through to deal with us, but we felt our problems were so much more. As parents we say your problems are nothing compared to those of adults. Food, clothes, a roof over your head, a car to get you around and don’t forget about everything else you want. Those are adult problems, but the biggest is figuring out how to be a good parent to an ever changing and grow teen. Nothing is more difficult then that from both aspects of the teen and parent. I’m not sure where exactly this rant came from but my heart must have been heavy with it and now it is out there for all to see, or at least a couple.